The Midget Manifesto

Definition of Midget: Dwarfism, in medicine, is the condition of being undersized, or less than 127 cm (50 inches) in height. The term midget is usually applied to physically well-proportioned dwarfs. The term pygmy is applied to people whose shortness of stature is a racial trait. For the purpose of power, midgets will be attempted to be used, but the midgets will eventually be turned into a pygmy-like race.

Proposal: Harness the inherent power of midgets to provide clean, reliable energy, and a source of entertainment for mankind.


Number of Midgets Necessary: 6

Worker Midgets will be a special creation consisting of 4 legs and 2 arms. see fig. 1 They will also be bred to have the uncommon dominant gene which causes the six- fingered mutation. These midgets will necessarily be hardy and athletic. Selective breeding will guarantee these traits.

The Breeding Midget must be a durable female carrying the six-fingered gene. She must also be a pure midget having both midget genes be dominant. When breeding occurs, the offspring is guaranteed to be a midget and have six fingers.

The Gladiatorial Midgets can be either male or female, but must be of good health and attitude. These midgets can be of any number of fingers and other attributes. These midgets are easily replaced.

How midgets fit in:

Worker Midgets will take turns running on a hamster wheel- type with an attached harness. see fig. 2 The three Worker Midgets will each take eight hour shifts, one per day per midget. The Worker Midgets during their sixteen hour off-period will be responsible for the up-keep of the midget- containment area. see fig. 3 These will be the middle- class of the mini-midget society.

The Breeding Midget will be responsible for becoming pregnant by artificial purposes as often as possible. Pure midget genes will be used for impregnation along with the six-fingered gene. This is the only necessarily female midget. She will constitute the matriarch of the society. She will be responsible for the care of the baby midgets until they can work.

The Gladiatorial Midgets will be trained in the rudiments of hand-to-hand combat. Each will be given two small weapons to fight with or in some instance they may have weapons grafted onto their hands. At weekly intervals the midgets will either fight each other in mock combat or fight a small animal such as a pig or monkey to the death. Appropriate measures will be taken so that they do not become dangerous to the master. The gladiators represent the lower class of midget society.

The Creation of Worker Midgets: Each Worker Midget will actually be a composite of two individual midgets. The Breeding Midget will be impregnated at regular intervals with twins so that a complete worker midget can be made from the offspring. If it is not necessary for the creation of a worker midget at that time, they may be sold to a storage facility. Of every pair of midgets which is born to the household, one will be cut in half. The upper-half may be disposed of, but the lower half will be fused to the backbone and nervous system of the other midget. The original midget will have full control over the entire body. This configuration of limbs will enable the midget to keep better balance, run faster, and work harder.

How power is generated: The worker midgets will run on a treadmill-like device which will power a static energy generator. A system of bell tones and speaker commands, see fig. 4, will communicate to the midgets what to do. Their will also be a computer console which will enable visual contact via a two-way camera teleconference. This will allow the midgets minimum oral feedback.

The Raising and Care of Midgets: The Breeding Midget will be responsible for the care of the younger midgets. They will be taught how to talk as much as they need with most probably around a 250 word vocabulary. No reading or writing instruction will be provided. The midgets diet will consist of mainly vegetables and meat injected with vitamins. This will insure that the midgets are operating under peak conditions. They will be given a trough which they may eat out of at any time. It will be refueled once per week. As the midget-containment area is temperature controlled,, midgets need not wear clothing.

Midget Growth: The growth of midgets from birth to a suitable age for working will be accelerated by placing them in nutrient soaking tanks. These tanks will deprive the midgets the use of their senses, but they will receive the subliminal messages which will encompass several topics. These messages will include the ideals of midget subjugation.

Midget Injury and Death: In the unlikely event that a midget becomes injured the measures will depend on their class. If a worker midget is injured they will be killed. If a gladiatorial midget in injured, they will still compete in combat, but the chances of their death is increased. If the breeding midget is injured she will receive medical attention. When the midget dies, their remains will be spread on the compost nutrient heap so that the hydroponic fluid may become more enriched.

Ideal Midget Traits:

  1. Subservience. Subservience is the best trait for midgets to possess. They need to understand that they are inferior and as such are subject to the will of the master. They must learn to obey orders unquestioningly.
  2. Strength. Midgets to produce an acceptable amount of power, so they necessarily need to be strong. If they are not hardy enough, the power output would not be adequate to support the household. The four-leggedness will help to alleviate this problem, but this is only part of the solution.
  3. Non-intelligence. Midgets have to possess a certain amount of intelligence so as to be able to complete their tasks with some degree of competency. They have to be ignorant, however so as not to rebel against the master. Corporal punishment will help this to a degree, but a happy medium must be reached at some point.
  4. Adaptability. Midgets must be able to adapt to many conditions and be able to still work and remain productive in them. If the Midget Containment Area becomes inhabitable, midgets must still continue work until it is stabilized.
  5. Night Vision. No power will be wasted by lighting the Midget Containment Area with electricity. Therefore to be productive, midgets must have a semblance of night vision such as owls and cats have. They must be able to disseminate heat patterns in the dark.
  6. Farming Skills. Midgets during their off hours will be responsible for tending their own hydroponic farm. This farm will produce all food eaten by midgets excepting that which is vitamin-laced from the dumbwaiter. Good farming skills will essential to their survival.

Penalty for Insurrection: There is only one penalty for midgets: death. Any violation of the following rules will incur this punishment.

The Beginning of Enslavement: Midgets will be appropriated where ever they congregate for the greater good. They will then be bred until numbers are sufficient. They will then be doled out in proportional numbers to the citizens of America. Commercial establishments may be required to purchase midgets from the government or abduct their own midgets. Once the system is in place, all should go well.

The Appropriation of Canada: As Canada is an entirely inferior country it will be easy to gain. It may be as simple as asking to join and then afterwards killing all Canadians with lethal injections or other such painless means. It may be as difficult as declaring nuclear war and bombing Canada perpetually until they are all eliminated. Midget Storage Areas will then be built, where frozen midgets may be stacked by the million. They will then be thawed when needed.

Government and Midgets: The government will control all new midgets sold to businesses and private sector personnel. The government will control the Canadian Midget Storage Areas and be responsible for stocking them. To do this efficiently it necessitates the need for SARCOM (Science and Research Center on Midgets). SARCOM will be responsible for keeping up to date on the midget situation and providing new technology in the field. This way there will always be new discoveries in midgets.

Numbering of Midgets: Each midget and new midget born will need to be reported to the government for a number. This will ensure that each midget is accounted for via a remote locator fused into the head. The government through SARCOM will be able to locate a midget at a moments notice.

Dwarf Tossing: The popular sport of tossing dwarves for distance will be allowed during some holidays and festivals. The frozen midgets will be the subject of this tossing. No live midgets will be allowed to be tossed as this may cause them to violate some rules.


  1. Midgets are mortal. The Breeding Midget may not be able to keep up with the demand. This can be solved by having specially founded midget holding centers. The appropriation of Canada may be necessary for this endeavor.
  2. Rebellion of midgets. Midgets at some time may realize the self-futility of their existence and refuse to work. Lethal Penalties may solve this problem
  3. The amount of power generated may not be sufficient. This can be solved by expanding the amount of midgets working. It may be necessary to have two wheels running simultaneously. The generator will be storing energy provided during times when the entirety of the power output is not being used however.
  4. Pure midget genes may be hard to find. This can be solved by the field of genetics and some luck. Some midgets are guaranteed to have pure genes. After several generations, the race should be pure.
  5. Cruelty. People may say that this is cruel to the midgets. This is completely false and untrue as their standard of living will actually be increased by their subjugation. They will not be ridiculed because of their impediment in this setting. They will actually be valuable to society and as such will have a sense of accomplishment.
  6. Number of Midgets. Of necessity a great number of midgets will be had. At the beginning of the program, midgets will be bred to the fullest extent. Midgets will then be frozen and placed in Canada. Canada will have to be taken for this purpose.
  7. Humans who don't go with the system. Any human who exhibits pro-midget behavior and is against midget enslavement, will themselves be killed or enslaved. This will not be a great problem as most humans will realize the benefits of the midget program.


(A Humorous and Totally False Account of Midgets)

Why are midgets and dwarves so small?
They are miniature humans, not so tall.

With tiny legs and little arms
big heads and lots of charm.

One day the public will see
that a midget's life is no jubilee.

People think that because of their height
that they can give midgets the sleight.

When will people realize
that they are ruining midget's lives?

Midgets, petite they may be
are just the same as you and me.

They walk, run, sprint and crawl
even though they are not tall.

Midgets function as normal folk
but people fun at them poke.

But one day the midgets will rise
and to most it will be a surprise.

Figure 1

Figure 2

Figure 3

Figure 4

The Midget Manifesto is not intended to be taken seriously. It is a parody in the form of Johnathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal". It is an indictment of how we use people everyday because we think that we may be better than them either physically, mentally, etc.

since July 26, 1999